OK i know some answers will probably be go see a doc.. but i believe my problem is a bit more with in. My views on the world and some past experiences play again and again in my head like a broken record…i cannot let go… i only see the big picture, what i mean is when ever i look at the night sky into space i see and understand the sheer size of the universe and i feel so insignificant… i mean whether we die at the age of 1 or 100 in the end you practically didn’t exist either way.. my mind is so consumed on understanding everything, mostly what is the point of life here on earth…i don’t believe in god as described in any book on this earth..i do believe that our bodies are machines for our true self that one might refer to as the soul..i do believe we reincarnate…which makes life even more pointless…well i just wanted to get into that with a brief view on the world…
now i wanna get into a bit of past experiences that still trouble me very much… a year and a half ago i had to watch my friend die, he was shot by our friend, i wasnt there when he got shot but he lived nextdoor and 2 other kids came and got me cuz i was a bit older then them…when i got there he was lying on the floor unconcious still breathing, but barely i could here the blood in his lungs and i knew he wasnt gonna make it right when i saw him…somehow i remained calm went to his side and was with him in his final minutes…then comes the court case…. i got a sapina to show up in court to testify cuz i was at the scene and that whole mess dragged out for a year and 5 summons or so and i could never really let go…the kid was being tried for involuntary man slaughter and was not found guilty..i know it was cuz 9/12 of the jury was mexican and so was he… cuz they obviously cant read and understand what involentary manslaughter means…i still struggle very much with this.. about 6 months before this girl i didnt really know to well but hooked up with was murdered along with her mom and moms bf i dont know much about it but that they never caught the Piece of shit and everytime i think of sex i think back to the last girl i was with and it was her so its hard to forget that shit and let go of it.. i also had a few more deaths following my friend who was shot, aunt died, then an uncle, and just recently my dog died who was like my shadow i miss them all so much…
now im not trying to throw a pity party just the fact that i speak maybe 500-1000 words a day i barely talk to anyone any more, only think to myself…my whole entire existence is in my head now and is stuck there…everything i do really is mostly by my self and i dont have anyone to talk to.. i try to talk to my mom but she doesnt help really just keeps me alive…my sister has her own life now…i just am alone thats all and my body feels more like a prison then anything else…and i just wanna be free, and one thing that makes it hard is im afraid of people… an actual phobia of people… Social Anxiety Disorder… you know how u scratch your head wondering why when u were a kid u had a friend that was clostraphobic and would freak out if he got messed with and wrapped up in a blanket and has a nervous breakdown or something…same with arachnaphobia…its like WTF am i just cursed or something it feels like my life is threatend when im in a group of people, my body triggers flight or fight, and i usually just leave and get away from the situation…but this is killing me…it is hard to go get a job a degree a girl….a life… part of me fears death but part of me wishes for it…the dilemma of a lost soul….
im tryin to be more optimistic even tho im truly a pessimist, im working on my diet and trying to eat according to these health books, i tried taken prozac before but it just made me tired, my problem is more like my heart is shattered and my soul is torn…how do u fix that?
i do know that if i ever get over this i want to help people like me cuz if there is a hell this is it and no one should have to go through this… please help me with ideas on how to get my self back in flow with the world…help me with the small picture and the baby steps plz!
any ideas of what i could do to get out more? i go hiking and stuff but its hard to find people with the time to go cuz they have to work 2 jobs or something to support there lifestyle so please if u have any kind of suggestion to move forward in life and advice please i have no else…
i know a few good jokes and of course a socially phobic person really only knows i and me…thats my problem… to much of only me and my shadow…and im a pleading to they and you for some good advice since i dont have much from home
i know that there is a lot worse out there believe me but i had to get this shit off my chest i cant afford to pay someone to talk to me and that sounds pathetic in its own i would wrather go pay a hooker and get therpy from her…or come here for free and talk to you people : )
well thx chloe and rayne.. and herb for stating the obvious lol…. that was kinda a joke lmao you told a person who is here asking for help with this stupid social phobia problem there is to much i and me…..as bill engval would say… here’s your sign….

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